You know, I have one simple request, and that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads. Is that too much to ask for?
If I had a nickel for every cigarette your mom smoked, I'd be dead.
I know we've only known each other for four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks, five days
.
As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster.
Come to the dark side of the force, you knob
.
Relax. My old man is a TV repairman, he's got an ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.
Yes, John. But when The Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don't eat the tourists.
You're a creature of the night, Michael. Wait'll Mom hears about this.
That was no boating accident.
You said you wanted to be around when I made a mistake. Well, this could be it, sweetheart.
I don't believe in a no-win scenario.
I've killed women and children. I've killed just about every living thing that walks or crawls. And I'm here to kill you.
I don't have to take this kind of abuse from you. I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
In my family, there was no clear division between religion and fly-fishing.
I love sitting up here looking at those bright twinkly things, I forget their technical names.
Lets slip away under cover of afternoon in the biggest car in the country.
Do you want to live forever?
Look, man, if there's one thing I know, it's how to drive when I'm stoned.
My name is Joel Goodson. I deal in human fulfillment. I grossed over $8000 in one night. Time of your life, huh kid?
Look at them. They're just asking for it. Maybe the human race deserves to be wiped out.
Quid pro quo.
Wait a minute. Are you trying to tell me my mother has the hots for me?
I got some bad ideas in my head.
Look, Simon. I made love to your mother about half an hour ago, and I'm beginning to think it wasn't such a good idea.
I suppose your version of romance is whatever will separate me from my panties?
I need to talk to you. Every time I call you're either taking a bath, washing your hair, or out of the country. That was a good one, by the way.
We all dream of being a child again, even the worst of us. Perhaps the worst most of all.
Your little green men arrived here millions of years ago.
Shall we play a game?
Leave the gun. Take the canole.
How could I possibly be expected to handle school on a day like this?
Due to a mix-up in urology, there will be no apple juice served today.
It's the millenium. Motives are incidental.
I don't know what the hell's in there, but it's weird and pissed off, whatever it is.
May I have 10,000 marbles please?
Oh, but you can't expect to weild supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!
I wanted to meet stimulating and interesting people from another culture, and kill them. I wanted to be the first kid on my block to get a confirmed kill.
We don't know what kind of murder happy characters we might have here.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.
They may be drinkers, Robin, but they're still human beings.
We have worm sign here the likes of which God has never even seen.
Asps. Very dangerous. You go first.
Are you telling me that 200 of our men against your boy is a now-win situation for us?
Joey, Have you ever been to a Turkish prison?
Forget therapy. He needs a qualude.
That's a nice little nothing you're almost wearing.
Today is a good day to die.
It's 106 miles to Chicago. We've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses.
If he'd just pay me what he's paying them to stop me robbing them, I'd stop robbing him.
If I were creating a world, I wouldn't mess around with butterflies and daffodils. I would've started with lasers, 8:00am, day one.
Now please, get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up.
Fat man, you shoot a great game of pool.
I know things about pigeons.
The box. You opened it, we came.
I can't beat him. But that don't bother me. The only thing I want to do is to go the distance, that's all.
Look, it's been swell, but the swelling's gone down.
Dammit, Janet, I love you.
Remember: the children can't praise the Lord if they've got genitals in their mouths.
He didn't fall? Inconceivable!
This place has a sign hanging over the urinal that says "Don't eat the big white mint."
Well, I've always believed that if done properly, armed robbery doesn't have to be an unpleasant experience.
If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a gameshow host.
Something this last week has taught me: it's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.
Every man dies. Not every man really lives.
I never killed a man who didn't deserve it.
I like to remember things my own way.
Hey, look. I'm sorry I made you clean all the toilets and bathtubs. I mean, who did all the work in bed?
We're going to need some more FBI guys, I guess.
Get off my plane.
I'm a virgin. I'm just not very good at it.
I'm your huckleberry.
I appreciate the whole seduction thing you've got going on here, but let me give you a tip: I'm a sure thing.
Look, boss. I only got one rule, and that's never bet money that you don't have on a dog race with an ex-girlfriend who happens to be a stripper.
The point is, ladies and gentlemen, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right Greed works.
Well, we went skinnydipping, and we did things that frightened the fish.
It's like finding a needle in a stack of needles.
Coffee is for closers.
The battle for the mind of America will be fought in the video arena.
The only way you'll end up lying next to me, Max, is if we get run down by the same car.
Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?
God help you if you're wrong.
Beat me, whip me, make me write bad checks.
I like the way you talk.
Much better to be the right hand of the devil than to be in his path.
I'm an insect who dreamt he was a man, and loved it. But now the dream is over, and the insect is awake.
It's amazing the clarity that comes with psychotic jealousy.
Men are rats. Listen to me, they're fleas on rats. Worse than that, they're amoebas on fleas on rats.
Some things are true whether you believe in them or not.
Dude here.
Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls need to be guarded by men with guns.
You're not really anybody in America if you're not on TV.
Well, I'm sure we can resolve this in a mature way, right Mr. Poopypants?
He-re's Johnny!
You have much more hair in your nose than my dad.
I'm your number one fan.
Silver bullets or fire, that's the only way to get rid of them. They're worse than cockroaches.
I know I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything.
If nobody comes down here and buys a car in the next hour, I'm going to club this baby seal. That's right, I'm going to club this baby seal to make a better deal.
I watched you very carefully: red light, stop; green light, go; yellow light, go very fast.
Yoohoo. I'll make you famous.
It's good to be the king.
Your ego is writing checks your body can't cash.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for SEGA.
No more yankie my wankie, the Donger need food.
They're heeere.
I'm here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubble gum.
I'd rather be his whore than your wife.
One food for the rest of my life? That's easy: cherry Pez. Cherry-flavored Pez. There's no doubt about it.
There are two types of people in this world: those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't.
Do you know what I had for breakfast this morning, rookie? I had Sonny-side up, I had Sonny-side down, and I had Sonny-side all the way around.
Why are things so heavy in the future? Is there a problem with Earth's gravitational pull?
It happens sometimes. People just explode. Natural causes.
You had me at hello.
I took your life. He gave you a new one.
If you ever have the chance to travel with a Mexican rodeo, pass.
What in the wide wide world of sports is going on here?
I never take my skates off.
What are you looking at? You never seen a guy who slept with a fish before?
We're not going to make it, are we?
Define irony: a bunch of guys dancing around on a plane to a song made famous by a band who died in a plane crash.
